Fatherhood Boot Camp

Think you're ready to be a father? Actually, let me rephrase that. Think you're ready to be a dad? You may think the two are the same thing, but you can father a child without being a good dad. Plenty of people do it every day. Here are some things to prepare you for being a good dad, from an email newsletter I get:

Fatherhood is not a "walk in the park." To do it right you've got to be always on your toes, always thinking, spy/counter-spy stuff, always outwitting your child at every turn. Oh sure it's easy when they are infants but as they get older, say 2 to 3 years old you've got to stay on the cutting edge. Ever wondered if you were cut out for parenthood? Well try a few of these on for size:

1. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

2. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

3. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an
alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCoPuffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

4. Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

5. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.
Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.